Decisons, choices and more questions

I love you. Those words jumped me, catching me completely unawares. I know I was a close friend to her, but I had not either flirted or gave any indication of any interest in a relationship, or had I? I was in no frame of mind to start a relationship with someone I had considered as a close friend. But then, I did not want to hurt her or distance her by rejecting her.

I was caught, like rancid cheese tempting a not so hungry mouse.

I mumbled something unconvincingly saying that I had to think about this. She, equally unconvincing, said she’d understood. We had been friends from ninth standard, through my friend’s sister who used to be in the same school as her. She had an infectious laughter and a mind that lit up on challenges. She really scared off boys who were after her, and they were, on regular occasions.

We have always kept in touch, meeting up with each other in the last dozen odd years. We call up on each other’s birthday, or just without reason or for that friendly shoulder you need. Good friends rarely need a reason and we also didn’t.

Numerous coffees and books, endless music and many conversations were our exchanges. I have been through a couple of relationships and she, through one. The three of them fizzled out pretty quickly for both of us without much time or affliction. Both of us offered comfort to each other on various personal failures and celebrated many successes.

We were of that marrying age and marriage was all around us. Most of our friends were hitched or getting hitched. God knows, there was enough pressure on us from our respective homes. We split for the day and headed home. I was full of questions, but with no visible answers for myself.

I was completely uneasy at home. I tried to watch a little TV, but my mind seemed to wander to the obvious. Sleep came very late and my mind still heavy of questions. By morning, I was as confused about the whole thing as the previous day. I decided to voice my helplessness to her. I’d rather be honest than lie to both of us.

We met for lunch, but hardly concentrated on the food. I bombarded her with all the questions in my head. What happens to us if I say yes? The same question again, but with the opposite effect. Numerous other questions that popped into my head were asked. Some of them were answered with uncertainty, some eagerly and many, emotionally. At the end of it, we were exhausted mentally.

We took a walk to run down the food stuck in our system but mostly for fresh air. I was conscious of touch like I have never been before. The kiss when we always met never transpired today. Both of us did not question its desertion.

We left each other that day, once again with doubts and indecision.

Days passed, and yet the cloud of ambiguity hung over my head. How difficult can it be?

Decisions, choices and more questions, how I hate you?